It’s cold and gloomy outside thus feeling a bit senti. All I could think of are these dates: August 2018 and July 2020. I want to cry and imagine what could’ve been if only… but, I have to snap out of this constant daydreaming and remind myself that it has not happened the way I imagined it for a reason.
This was supposed to be done last September. I was already prepped in the unit and did the whole she-bang but due to unforseeable circumstances, they had to cancel it and reschedule 2 months later. But I have to admit, during that first almost experience my anxiety level was through the roof. I was so sure I would die pwera biro. Siguro OA lang or exag kineme lang ako but I just had this nagging feeling (na through the years never proved me wrong) so talagang I already played with the thought na I wouldn’t make it. Tapos ayun, na-cancel. I had nothing but a sigh of relief. Siguro this was a sign. Siguro wala naman talagang ganap, ako lang talaga. I knew I needed the procedure, but not that day.
I’m very supersitious, plus I grew up with a lot of luck/feng shui chinese chenez background (lolo sa tuhod was pure chinese) so I’m big on vibes and energy and all those lucky kineme. When I was given my new date- 11/11, I felt good about it. From my numerology, 11 is my lucky number and unlike the first one, I didn’t stress too much, which just convinced me na something was really odd nung huli (or paranoid lang siguro ako). Fast forward to the actual day of procedure, everything just ran smoothly. Compared to the last time, I also had good vibes from my Anaesthetic team cause she explained everything in detail – how the general anaesthetic will affect me, worst case scenarios but also reassured me of the process- which was very comforting. I was also first on the list this time, so di ako sobrang gutom na gutom lol.
See, as a nurse with a background of working in Orthopaedics (pre & post op care) plus I also worked in an orthopaedic theatre, I kind of had an idea how the whole process works perioperatively. Pero ibang-iba pala if it’s from a patient perspective. I guess what I am finding amusing as of this time (hours post-op) is from the time I was in the anaesthetic room to when I woke up in recovery. Literal na ANYAREH TEH!? As soon as I entered the room, everything just happened simultaneously and my last memory was I was given IV medication that made me feel powerless, numb and then o2 mask initially then gas and the next thing I know, I can hear people chatting and my throat was aching (prolly from the tube). I struggled to open my eyes, felt really groggy and from my blurred vision can see I was in the recovery room. Dozed on and off a few times and can remember some of my former colleagues came to see me (vision still impaired cause I had no glasses and I could barely make out who they were through their voices and yung parang outline ng katawan) pero I was too bangag I just kept smiling then tulog ulit. After an hour or so plus a couple of pain killers and anti sickness medicines in between, I was wheeled back to the ward. Aside from bangag padin ako, I was also starving kaso a) it was still a struggle to swallow and b) walang kanin. I had tea and toast – so it was extra hard lumunok with it’s texture nkklk.
Hours later, I was discharged, slept for a while and now here I am writing about the experience for my log and future reminiscing. I still feel weak and beat with some other weird and new stuff happening, plus I still need to wait for some results but overall, I’m okay, and alive! Taaaa!
“I can’t sleep” – one of my overly used hanash in my lifetime. I can’t really pinpoint when and how it started and I just learned to live with it over time.
I’ve had better days nights where I do very little intervention. Pero some nights are just so dragging na all you can do is wait. I wish it’s as easy as “basta pikit mo lang mata mo” or the very nanay talak na “wag kasi puro cellphone bago matulog“. Kaso hinde eh. Sino ba naman may gustong laging puyat di ba?
Ika nga ni google, it can be caused by different things, and can be managed through different methods like adjusting your routines, using different sleeping stimulants like essential oils, music and medication. Kaso, some people don’t understand na if it’s something related to stress, anxiety or depression – it’s like a dark cloud hanging over your head constantly pouring a variety of thoughts (mostly negative) that is difficult to escape from. Alam mo yung para kang nageexam at babatuhin ka ng different scenarios and every answer you pick has consequences thay may haunt you and make you more awake. Anjan din minsan yung mga what ifs, self doubt and basically anything that just pops in one’s mind which can be very dangerous. I keep thinking sana yung mga scientist can find a way to show visually what happens inside so other people would understand and think na paandar lang to.