Aca-nthoughts

03:15

I can’t sleep” – one of my overly used hanash in my lifetime. I can’t really pinpoint when and how it started and I just learned to live with it over time.

I’ve had better days nights where I do very little intervention. Pero some nights are just so dragging na all you can do is wait. I wish it’s as easy as “basta pikit mo lang mata mo” or the very nanay talak na “wag kasi puro cellphone bago matulog“. Kaso hinde eh. Sino ba naman may gustong laging puyat di ba?

Hay.

Ika nga ni google, it can be caused by different things, and can be managed through different methods like adjusting your routines, using different sleeping stimulants like essential oils, music and medication. Kaso, some people don’t understand na if it’s something related to stress, anxiety or depression – it’s like a dark cloud hanging over your head constantly pouring a variety of thoughts (mostly negative) that is difficult to escape from. Alam mo yung para kang nageexam at babatuhin ka ng different scenarios and every answer you pick has consequences thay may haunt you and make you more awake. Anjan din minsan yung mga what ifs, self doubt and basically anything that just pops in one’s mind which can be very dangerous. I keep thinking sana yung mga scientist can find a way to show visually what happens inside so other people would understand and think na paandar lang to.

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Aca-nthoughts

00:53

Super productive day. Despite the insomnia kicking in the night before, I still woke up quite early.

It has been really tough at work plus it’s my second consecutive ‘on-call’ weekend so I’ve literally worked 14 straight days and man, I’m just so knackered – mentally, physically and even emotionally. This second wave of the virus is proving to be more challenging and it doesn’t help that every single query just defaults to our team. Ang hirap besh.

Anyway, going back to Saturday, despite my endless moaning of how tired I am, I blame my sudden burst of productivity to the elusive sun as it finally decided to showup. I finally get to draw all the blinds back to let the house soak up the sunshine (for natural disinfection) and I get to clear all the pile of leaves from our driveway with my magical walis tingting! All these done whilst simultaneously sending reports and taking calls from work. Taray, multi-tasker choz!

I also managed to fit in some sort of exercise = tiktok! Hahaha! I’m happy cause at least I finally get to do something physical that I enjoy rather than sulk and body shame myself but doing absolutely nothing about it. Good news is somehow I lost some weight (konting-konti palang but at least may progress!) and my endurance to perform any physical activity has improved. Bongga!

In the evening I watched a bit of K-drama + BTS, a lot of self-care activities and now in bed waiting to finally doze off so here’s me writing about my day. Nkkhppy! I hope tomorrow, sa essay ko naman ako sipagin. Lol. Taaaaaaaa!

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Aca-nthoughts

17:01

It’s always nice and comforting to have the chance to speak to someone who share the same experience/ sentiments as you. Alam mo yung you feel like you’re not alone in whatever you’re going through, and that there’s someone who understands and gets your situation. They can also offer you a different perspective because they’ve lived through it. Also, parang you’re not afraid to hold back or filter any information – all you do is release all those bottled up thoughts, emotions and even fears kasi alam and relate sila.

I pray that we all get the oppotunity to release – I know lahat tayo may iba-ibang pinagdadaanan sa buhay. I hope everyone finds a person who listens and understands. Minsan kasi, as much as we have people around us willing to listen, there’s this different level of security you get if you share it with someone who gets it. There’s also that feeling na, you’re not alone and there’s someone else living your truth and that they’re actually okay, or that they’re finding ways to cope and hope.

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