Morning after our wedding, we were (sort of) dragged out of our wits to go into a 6-hour roadtrip with the whole family. The thought that we’re all gonna bond is ecstatic but I’m not gonna lie, after all of the stress and exhaustion from planning to preparing to the actual big day, we were kind of in a zombie mode the whole day. But then again, we’ll be leaving again in the next 5 days so every moment counts.6 hours, 5 vehicles and threading through high terrain and one nasty landslide later, we arrived at my brother-in-law’s resort in Dinadiawan, Aurora.Ahhh, finally, the calm after a profoundly busy feat.
I’ve been craving for this kind of serene place for a while so instead of sleeping in the cottage, I decided to sleep outside and bask under the stars. Mama then decided to join and we just talked about random things till dawn… ❤️
Haaaay. I think I’m homesick but what’s not to miss? Also, it was such a pleasure getting to know and spend time with my new family. I am praying we could do this more often. I love you all! ❤️
“The battle has finally ended. There were neither winners nor losers, what’s left was happy memoirs, dried up tears and bruises and new beginnings .” -A.
I have tried so many times to put all my heartaches into writing but I guess I never had the courage to do so. And, more than a year later, here I am, still wounded by the past but healing, guided by my hard earned lessons and still chasing my new beginnings.
Eleven years, seven months.
Ten years LDR.
Skype sessions, viber conversations;
Every two years meet up, or if lucky, every year.
It was a long and winding battle we both had to fight and now, I can look back with a smile knowing we did a good fight for “us” to last. Nobody wanted us to be together, but we sure as hell showed them how determined we were. Family, friends, distance couldn’t get in our way. It should have been a really interesting and powerful love story ey? High school sweethearts, you and me against the world love affair; But, our story just had to end, cause despite withstanding all of the obstacles, all of those forces trying to break us down, we forgot to deal with our one true nemesis- OURSELVES.
“She brought me to the beach and she pointed to the right where the Baltic Sea is. it’s a very beautiful and blue sea, and the current travels west. Then she pointed to the left, the North Sea, also very beautiful but the current travels east. And then she pointed to the middle and said: That is the perfect relationship. You can look to the left and you can look to the right and both seas are there, and they can meet in the middle but they never lose themselves in each other. They are always themselves no matter what” – Copenhagen
We lost ourselves. And in the process, we ended up hurting each other far more than we ever imagined; more than we ever wanted to. And when there was just too much hurt that at one point it already overshadowed all of the good and happy memories you’ve built together after all those years, you just have to breathe, accept the fact that there was nothing to fix anymore, that it was just not working anymore, gain strength and courage and then... let go. So I did. It wasn’t the easiest decision to make, but I thought that moment was when I felt I was at my bravest. I finally acknowledged that there was really something wrong, and we can’t just keep on coming back to square one. It became a never ending cycle and it made me feel sick. It was no longer doing me or him any good. It was no longer healthy.
The letting go and moving on part was a horrendous process, clinging on your dear life, wishing you won’t fall off the wagon with all those hopelessness and depression and end of life ideations. It felt like drowning in front of a lot of people yet no one can save you… But yourself. It wasn’t the best feeling in the world but it did get better, it does get better each day, one step at a time. It also gets better knowing which of the people around you truly cares.
I’ve kept mum for the longest time but now I could finally say with a happy heart that I’m on my way to full recovery (getting to the finish line actually😉)and that I wish you nothing but happiness and success cause you’re a good person and I know you deserve it. All the best! And as for me and my soul searching, I’m still discovering and seeing a new side of me which makes me more excited with life. I am more inspired now. I am more free. I am more me. I am … :)
I’m pretty sure most of us has gone through this dark cloud of break-ups and here are a couple of songs that I recovered from my old playlist/songs that I vividly remember that sent me to an all nighter crying session with my bed and pillow and chocolates and ocassionally with booze.
Gravity by Sara Bareilles (My ultimate heartbreak song and one of my favorites)
Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long. No matter what I say or do I’ll still feel you here ’til the moment I’m gone.
You hold me without touch. You keep me without chains. I never wanted anything so much Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain. Set me free, Leave me be. I don’t wanna fall another moment into your gravity Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be. But you’re on to me and all over me.
Oh, you loved me ’cause I’m fragile When I thought that I was strong. But you touch me for a little while And all my fragile strength is gone.
I live here on my knees As I try to make you see That you’re everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you’re neither friend nor foe Though I can’t seem to let you go. The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down.
You’re keeping me down, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah You’re on to me, on to me, and all over…
Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long.
Hiling by Paramita
Nahihirapan na ang aking isip Nauubusan na ng sasabihin sa iyo.. Nanlalamig na ba ang pag-ibig mo sa ‘kin.. Giliw.. Nalilito ako, nais kong sagipin ang ating Nalulunod na pag-ibig Nguni’t handa akong palayain ka Kung ito ang ‘yong hiling Gaano man kasakit sa akin Ibibigay sa yo Ang tanging pakiusap lang Wag mo akong kalimutan..
Kay rami nang nagdaan Na pagsubok sa ting pag-ibig Kakayanin pa kayang mabawi pa Ang mga nasabi nang masasakit na salita..
Dito na Lang – Kyla
Dito na lang, di ko kaya Sa huling sandali yakap ka Takot ay dama Pagalis mo’y makita At sa alaala’y hindi mabura
Kung kaya ko lang sabihing di masakit Kung kaya ko lang sabihing hanggang sa muli Kung kaya ko lang isiping magbabalik ka pa rin Ngunit di na, hanggang dito na lang
Dito na lang, pipikit ko na lang Mga mata sa iyong paglisan Para bang kailan lang Tayo ay kay saya At sa alaala’y hindi mabura
Scared to Death – KZ Tandingan
You can leave me Take away all that I have You can want me Love me for who I am Choices, romance Takin’ me high in the air Flyin’, so scared Afraid not to see you again
‘Cause I’m scared to death Now that I’m losin’ you I’m scared to death Knowin’ I can’t get through I’m scared to death Living this so lonely life without you Oh baby, I’m scared to death
Somethings changin’ Giving me fears run through my head Only find me Give me the eyes I will understand Words left unsaid Leaving me weak in the edge Getting over I’m running scared I can’t comprehend
Separate Lives – Nina & Jimmy Bondoc
You called me from the room in your hotel All full of romance For someone that you met Telling me how sorry you were Leaving so soon And that you miss me sometimes When you’re alone in your room Do I feel lonely too?
You have no right to ask me how I feel You have no right to speak to me so kind I can’t go on holding onto ties Now that we’re living separate lives
I held on to let you go And if you lost your love for me You never let it show There was no way to compromise So now we’re living separate lives
Oh, it’s so typical Love leads to isolation So you build that wall And you make it stronger
The Scientist – Coldplay
Come up to meet you, Tell you I’m sorry, You don’t know how lovely you are.
I had to find you, Tell you I need you, Tell you I set you apart.
Tell me your secrets, And ask me your questions, Oh let’s go back to the start.
Runnin’ in circles, Comin’ up tails, Heads on a science apart.
Nobody said it was easy, It’s such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy, No one ever said it would be this hard. Oh take me back to the start.
I was just guessin’, At numbers and figures, Pullin’ the puzzles apart.
Questions of science, Science and progress, Do not speak as loud as my heart.
Tell me you love me, Come back and haunt me, Oh, what a rush to the start.
Sunday Drive – Early November
And we wait above a road. We’re turning to go home. And the silence from the side of the car, Tells me everything and how we are. ‘Cause there’s no more trying to make this so right. There’s no more trying tonight.
And you know it’s not so easy when You’re all alone, And I wonder if I’m alone In your head.
I know something is wrong, I just don’t know what to do. You say it’s only me, and that I’m so perfect for you. I don’t want to try no more, I don’t want to make this right. I just want you to be true to me one time.
And you know it’s not so easy when You’re all alone, And I wonder if I’m alone In your head.
Twelve days gone by since I have saw you last, I’ll give this one more try, I’ll give it all my best, and I’ll ask What could you be doing that is so much fun? Without me by your side, Without me by your side. And I will take a step back, and I’ll let you ahead, And I will take a step away, and see if you come back, Because there’s no more trying to make this so right, There’s no more trying, There’s no more trying tonight.
We’ll never be the same, We will never be the same, We will never be the same, We will never be the same, Until you’re done.
Broken Sonnet – Hale
And now I concede on the night Of this fifteenth song Of melancholy, of melancholy And now I will admit in this fourth line That I love you, that I love you
I don’t care what they say I don’t care what they do
Cause tonight I leave my fears behind
Cause tonight I’ll be right at your side
The clock on the tv says 8: 39 P. M. It’s the same, it’s the same And in this next line I’ll say it all over again That I love you, that I love you
I don’t care what they say I don’t care what they do
Cause tonight I leave my fears behind Cause tonight I’ll be right at your side Lie down right next to me Lie down right next to me And I will never let go, will never let go
I leave my fears behind Cause tonight I’ll be right at your side Lie down right next to me Lie down right next to me And I will never let go, never let go
But still I see the tears from your eyes Maybe I’m just not the one for you
City – Sara Bareilles
There’s a harvest each saturday night At the bars filled with perfume and hitching a ride A place you can stand for one night and get gone It’s clear this conversation ain’t’ doing a thing Cause these boys only listen to me when I sing And I don’t feel like singing tonight All the same songs
Here in these deep city lights Girl could get lost tonight I’m finding every reason to be gone Nothing here to hold on to Could I hold you?
The situation’s always the same You got your wolves in their clothes whispering Hollywood’s name Stealing gold from the silver they see But it’s not me
Calling out somebody save me I feel like I’m fading away Am I gone? Calling out somebody save me I feel like I’m fading
I’m Scared – Duffy
The blank pages Of my diary That I haven’t touched Ssince you left me The closed blinds In my home See no light of day Dust gathers On my stereo Cos I can’t bare To hear the radio The piano sits In a shaded space With a picture Of your face
I’m scared To face another day Cos the fear in me Just won’t go away In an instant You were gone And I’m scared
Coffee stains On your favorite book Remind me of you So I can’t even look The magazines You left on the floor You won’t need Them anymore
A towel left Hangin on the wall No sign of wet foosteps In the hall There’s no smell Of your sweet cologne I’m lying here alone
Someone like you – Adele
I heard, that you’re settled down, That you, found a girl and your married now. I heard that your dreams came true. Guess she gave you things, I didn’t give to you.
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain’t like you to hold back or hide from the light.
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited, But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it. I’d hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded, That for me, it isn’t over.
Nevermind, I’ll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best, for you too. Don’t forget me, I beg, I remember you said, “Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead”
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead, yeah.
You’d know, how the time flies. Only yesterday, was the time of our lives. We were born and raised in a summer haze, Bound by the surprise of our glory days.
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited, But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it. I’d hoped you’d see my face & that you’d be reminded, That for me, it isn’t over.
Nevermind, I’ll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you too. Don’t forget me, I beg, I remember you say, “Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead”, yay.
Nothing compares, no worries or cares. Regret’s and mistakes they’re memories made. Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?
I can’t make you love me – Adele
Turn down the lights Turn down the bed Turn down these voices Inside my head Lay down with me Tell me no lies Just hold me close Don’t patronize Don’t patronize me
I can’t make you love me if you don’t You can’t make your heart feel Somethin’ that it won’t Here in the dark, in these final hours I will lay down my heart And I will feel the power but you won’t No you won’t ‘Cause I can’t make you love me When you don’t When you don’t
I’ll close my eyes ‘Cause then I won’t see The love you don’t feel When you’re holdin’ me Morning will come And I’ll do what’s right Just give me till then To give up this fight And I will give up this fight
Boston – Augustana
In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun… Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed, This world you must’ve crossed… You said…
You don’t know me, you don’t even care, oh yeah, She said You don’t know me, and you don’t wear my chains… Oh yeah,
Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across An open field, When flowers gaze at you… They’re not the only ones who cry When they see you You said…
You don’t know me, you don’t even care, oh yeah, She said You don’t know me, and you don’t wear my chains… Oh yeah,
She said I think I’ll go to Boston… I think I’ll start a new life, I think I’ll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I’ll get out of California, I’m tired of the weather,
I think I’ll get a lover and fly em out to Spain…
I think I’ll go to Boston, I think that I’m just tired I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind… I think I need a sunrise, I’m tired of the sunset,
I hear it’s nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice… Oh yeah,
You don’t know me, you don’t even care…
Boston… Where no one knows my name… Yeah Where no one knows my name… Where no one knows my name… Yeah Boston… Where no one knows my name.
Without a word – Birdy
Hey you can tell the world That you’re leaving And you can pack your bags And spread your wings And you can tell them all That it’s over But while you wave goodbye I’ll be getting closer
Stand there and look into my eyes And tell me that all we had were lies Show me that to you it don’t count And I’ll stand here if you prefer Yes I’ll leave you without a word Without a word
And you can tell the world That you’re tired But your excuses, they won’t work ‘Cause I’ll know that you’re lying Every time that I see your face I notice all the suffering Just turn to my embrace I won’t let you come to nothing
Stand there and look into my eyes And tell me that all we had were lies Show me that to you it don’t count And I’ll stand here if you prefer Yes I’ll leave you without a word Without a word
Skinny Love – Birdy
Come on skinny lovejust last the year Pour a little salt we were never here My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer
I tell my love to wreck it all Cut out all the ropes and let me fall My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my Right in the moment this order’s tall
I told you to be patient I told you to be fine I told you to be balanced I told you to be kind In the morning I’ll be with you But it will be a different “kind” I’ll be holding all the tickets And you’ll be owning all the fines
Come on skinny love what happened here Suckle on the hope in lite brassiere My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my Sullen load is full; so slow on the split
Who will love you? Who will fight? Who will fall far behind?
Medicine – Daughter
Pick it up, pick it all up. And start again.
You’ve got a second chance,
You could go home.
Escape it all.
It’s just irrelevant.
It’s just medicine.
It’s just medicine.
You could still be, What you want to, What you said you were When I met you.
You’ve got a warm heart, You’ve got a beautiful brain, But it’s disintegrating
From all the medicine.
From all the medicine.
From all the medicine.
Medicine.
You could still be,
What you want to be,
What you said you were,
When you met me.
Huwag Ka Nang Umiyak – Ebe Dancel & KZ Tandingan
Wag ka nang umiyak, sa mundong pabago-bago
pag-ibig ko ay totoo ako ang iyong bangka, kung magalit man ang alon, ng panahon, sabay tayong aahon
Kung wala ka nang maintindihan
Kung wala ka nang makapitan
Kapit ka sa akin, kapit ka sa akin
Di kita bibitawan
Wag kang umiyak, mahaba man ang araw
uuwi ka sa yakap ko
wag mo nang damdamin kung wala ako sayong tabi
iiwan kong puso ko sa yo
at kung pakiramdam moy wala ka nang kakampi
isipin mo ako dahil pusot isip koy
nasa yong tabi
di kita pababayaan
Kapit ka, kumapit ka
(para sa buhay ng buhay ko)
Cosmic Love – Florence and the Machines
A falling star, Fell from your heart, And landed in my eyes,
I screamed aloud, As it tore through them, And now it’s left me blind,
The stars, the moon, They have all been blown out, You left me in the dark,
No dawn, no day, I’m always in this twilight, In the shadow of your heart,
And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat, I tried to find the sound, But then it stopped, And I was in the darkness, So darkness I became,
I took the stars from my eyes, And then I made a map, I knew that some how, I could find my way back,
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too, So I stayed in the darkness with you,
Try – Nelly Furtado
All I know Is everything is not as it’s sold But the more I grow the less I know And I have lived so many lives Though I’m not old And the more I see, the less I grow The fewer the seeds the more I sow
Then I see you standing there Wanting more from me And all I can do is try Then I see you standing there Wanting more from me And all I can do is try
I wish I hadn’t seen all of the realness And all the real people are really not real at all The more I learn The more I learn The more I cry the more I cry As I say goodbye to the way of life I thought I had designed for me
All of the moments that already passed We’ll try to go back and make them last All of the things we want each other to be We never will be And that’s wonderful, and that’s life And that’s you, baby This is me, baby And we are, we are, we are, we are Free In our love We are free in our love
Breathe Again – Sara Bareilles
Car is parked, bags are packed, but what kind of heart doesn’t look back At the comfortable glow from the porch, the one I will still call yours? All those words came undone and now I’m not the only one Facing the ghosts that decide if the fire inside still burns
All I have, all I need, he’s the air I would kill to breathe Holds my love in his hands, still I’m searching for something Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I’ll breathe again
I’ll breathe again
Open up next to you and my secrets become your truth And the distance between that was sheltering me comes in full view Hang my head, break my heart built from all I have torn apart And my burden to bear is a love I can’t carry anymore
All I have, all I need, he’s the air I would kill to breathe Holds my love in his hands, still I’m searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I’ll breathe again
It hurts to be here I only wanted love from you It hurts to be here What am I gonna do?
All I have, all I need, he’s the air I would kill to breathe Holds my love in his hands, still I’m searching All I have, all I need, he’s the air I would kill to breathe Holds my love in his hands, still I’m searching for something Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I’ll breathe again I’ll breathe again I’ll breathe again I’ll breathe again I’ll breathe again I’ll breathe again…
Ikot ikot – Sarah Geronimo
Heto na naman tayo Parang kelan lang ang huli Gaano man kalayo Tayo’y pinagtatagpong muli Ilang ulit nagkasakitan Ngunit paulit na gumagaling Ilang ulit balak na iwan Ngunit patuloy na bumabalik
Kay rami nang sakit Na nilimot napabayaan ‘Di maiwasang isipin Na tayo’y para bang tumatakbo Sa walang hanggan na kalye, tumatakbo Ang pag-ibig na tila ba ‘sang biyaheng Ikot-ikot lang, ikot-ikot-ikot lang
Heto na naman tayo Damdamin natin ay bumubugso Tayo ay muling napaso Pintig ng puso ay lumulusong Bakit pa ba, hinahayaan Minsan inisip lumayo na lang Ngunit hindi kita maiiwan Mahal pa rin kita ngayon pa man
Araw-araw, dulo’t-dulo May unos na dumaratal Ano nga bang puno’t dulo Bakit nagtatagal
Feelings – Up Dharma Down
Breaking through the night In this cold Fahrenheit Shadows have left Crying got old
Bland and bittersweet Wondering what went wrong There goes all hope There goes all hope
But the feeling It tries to escape Bleeds through the light Even when I close my eyes Its not seething The weight on this shoulder I can’t wait to chase the fiction home And carry on
Favors in reverse Songs are unrehearsed When I get through this I hope I get through you
Stains on my mind The cloud on that hour The minute you closed the door My eyes washed the floor
Baby, baby it’s hard to say But there seems to be no other way You left and you were right So I have to let us down this time
‘Cause I can’t ‘Cause I can’t feel it
No other way but down No other way but down You said so yourself
It’s just It’s just a feeling It’s just a feeling
What are you crying for What are you crying for When it’s just a feeling God knows you can get through this
When it’s just a feeling They are just feelings These are just feelings
I wanna know Do you feel anything As you go on your way Driving home As I sleep alone tonight I wanna know Do you feel anything For me
Is there anything you like to say tonight? Before I go Before I go… Forever…