Wow. It’s literally been a while. Where do I even begin?
As with everyone, it has been a very trying time. Physically, emotionally, mentally and all the other ‘ally’ I’m exhausted – quite sure we all were. There were days when I just lose it, and feel all of the exhaustion and frustration eat me up alive and the sadness that comes thinking of how horrible this whole ‘thing’ was for the world and I couldn’t empathise enough but all the tragedies aside, I am more appreciative of each day that I and my family, friends, colleagues wake up alive and well.
Theoretically, I felt like I had some sort of advantage because in my line of work, I somehow understood how it works and some of the basic concepts and I can easily cling to simple measures to avoid it. But with my family – Mama, Auntie and Uncle being here, I was such a nervous wreck. At one point, I was thinking I am just happy for them to be with me. See things that I long wished to share and experience with them. But then, as we all watched the whole situation and how the world took a step back, I literally had sleepless nights worrying over the possibilities of turning what would have been a fun vacation into a disaster. As usual, my ‘advance mag-isip‘ mindset sent me into deep well of anxiety because I just can’t bear the thought of being the one putting them at risk. It’s just so hard finding that balance, but little by little I think we made it work and found ways to make their vacation worthwhile.
Fast forward to 5 months later, I feel some sort of peace knowing that they’re finally back home (after a very disastrous journey of excess baggage and quarantine) and still, healthy (ish). I thought I would be fazed when we sent them off to the airport but that feeling when we got back home and had the house empty for the first time in months just had me weeping so bad. I miss that feeling of security, knowing they’re just around. I miss home cooked meals, our chores holiday and the feeling of going home and seeing people, especially my Mama who’s always so excited to see me.
I guess living away from them the past 6 years did teach me a lot about independence and responsibility but having them here even for a short period of time made me realise how much I miss having them around. How much I still yearn to be babied and not to do any adulting stuff at all. Ahhh I miss them.