Blabbermouth

Padampi kahit anino

I’ve had my fair share of relationships and heartbreaks. From an absentee father, to a failed long term relationship to the almost/ getting-there but didn’t get there relationships stages. Si Piolo Pascual at Regine Velasquez ang may pauso nito eh char! Ang shaket shaket besh!

Nung hiniwalayan ako nung unang jowa ko over the phone, sobrang naalala ko yung humahagulgol talaga ako sa loob ng banyo. Tapos ang malala pa, biglang tumugtog pa sa radyo yung All or Nothing ng O-Town tapos yung linyang “is this how it ends with a simple telephone call, you leave me here, with nothing at all” parang anuna besh unang heartbreak ko ito ang OA pero nadama ko talaga yung physical pain sa heart ko! I thought matututo nako pero now and again, untog padin si girl. I’ve had series of poor decisions and emotion-driven choices na ang ending, may kalakip na official soundtrack sa pag eemote. Minsan ang sarap lang talaga umiyak habang nasa tumatakbong sasakyan habang umuulan at nakadungaw sa bintana sabay tugtog nung “how can I make you love me if you don’t” na version ni Auntie Adele sa Royal Albert Hall. Yung kahit di ka man mag open up about how you’re really feeling, alam mong anjan yung mga songs that describes exactly exactlyhow you feel tapos dadamhin mo lang yung sakit, curl up into fetal position, iiyak ng ilang araw, linggo, buwan hanggang sa one day, gigising ka nalang feeling better. Better and lesser eye bags each day.

Anyway, ang tinutumbok ko talaga dito is gusto ko lang i-share na a few years ago, I found the ultimate heart break song and I could say one of the best written filipino song ever. Yung kahit okay naman ako ngayon wala naman ako pinagdadaanan pero tuwing naririnig ko yung song parang damang dama ko parin talaga yung emosyon ng bawat linya.

Gulong gulo ang puso
Saan ba ‘to patungo?
Di ko alam
Di ko alam

Hinarap lahat ng balakid
Pero bakit walang kapit 
Ang mga pangakong binitawan?
Di ko alam
Di ko alam

Noong ika’y nilalamig, ako’y iyong init
Kapag takot sa bukas, ako’ng unang sisilip
Ginawa ko na ang lahat
Di pa din sapat

Kasi ika’y mawawala na
Nawalan ng gana ang tadhana
Nanlalamig ‘yong dating nagbabaga
Kung maibabalik lang sana

Titiisin ko na kahit paulit-ulit
Tapos pipilitin ko na di maulit
Ang masulyapan mo yung dulo
Akala ko walang hanggan pero may dulo
Bawat segundo sa aking puso iuukit
Lahat ng alaala aking iguguhit
Para makalimutan mong may dulo
Ang sabi mo walang hanggan
Pero eto tayo sa dulo

Kailan ka ba napaso?
Nanlalamig na ang iyong braso
Bakit ganyan?
Bakit ganyan?

Kung pwede lang pakisagot lahat ng bakit
Saan galing ang galit?
Mayroon bang nang-aakit?
Kailangan ko lang malinawan
Bakit ganyan?
Bakit ganyan?

Handang panindigan lahat ng ating plano
Sigurado kahit di kabisado
Gagawin ko ang lahat
Walang pake kung di sapat

Kasi ikaw ay mawawala na
Nawalan ng gana ang tadhana
Nanlalamig iyong dating nagbabaga
Kung maibabalik lang sana

Iindahin ko ang sakit na gumuguhit
Ngingiti sa likod ng luhang pumupunit
Baka masulyapan mo yung dulo
Kasi sabi mo walang hanggan, ba’t merong dulo?
Ibibigay ko ang lahat paulit ulit
Bawat pagkakataon ay aking isusulit
Basta matalikuran mo yung dulo
Ang sabi mo walang hanggan
Ba’t na’ndito tayo sa dulo?
Sa dulo...

‘Wag ka munang tumalikod
Bumalik ka muna dito
Padampi kahit anino
Ayokong mag-isa dito
Wala na bang bisa aking dalangin?
Tinataboy na ba ng langit?
Nakikiusap na lang sa hangin
Ngayon wala ka na sa akin

Bakit ba biglang meron tayong dulo?
Pangako mo walang hanggan
Bakit nandiyan ka sa dulo?
Pwede bang kalimutan mong may dulo?
Handa ‘ko sa walang hanggan
Pangako mo walang hanggan
Akala ko walang hanggan
Pero eto tayo sa dulo

Kung ika’y mawawala sa aking piling
Dinggin mo aking bilin
Lingon ka lang paminsan minsan
Dito lang ako
Di ako lilisan
Sa aking dulo, di ako lilisan

Inaano ba kita Quest? Ang sakit sakit lang nung song di ba? Alam mo yung natumbok niya lahat. Pero ang sarap din pakinggan at damhin bakeeet!? Pero seryoso, sobrang galing nung song di ba? Sobrang simple pero sobrang lalim abot apdo; parang everytime naririnig ko nagfflashback lahat ng mga naganap in the past pero not in a horrible way naman. It’s more of parang nagdaan man sa ganito, andun nako sa point na thankful parin for everything that has happened and I have nothing but well wishes for all of them (wow kele me nemen eng deme eh!).

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Aca-sabihan

Love, Heartaches and Recovery

“The battle has finally ended. There were neither winners nor losers, what’s left was happy memoirs, dried up tears and bruises and new beginnings .”  -A.

I have tried so many times to put all my heartaches into writing but I guess I never had the courage to do so. And, more than a year later, here I am, still wounded by the past but healing, guided by my hard earned lessons and still chasing my new beginnings.

Eleven years, seven months.

Ten years LDR.

Skype sessions, viber conversations;

Every two years meet up, or if lucky, every year.

It was a long and winding battle we both had to fight and now, I can look back with a smile knowing we did a good fight for “us” to last. Nobody wanted us to be together, but we sure as hell showed them how determined we were. Family, friends, distance couldn’t get in our way. It should have been a really interesting and powerful love story ey? High school sweethearts, you and me against the world love affair; But, our story just had to end, cause despite withstanding all of the obstacles, all of those forces trying to break us down, we forgot to deal with our one true nemesis- OURSELVES.

 “She brought me to the beach and she pointed to the right where the Baltic Sea is. it’s a very beautiful and blue sea, and the current travels west. Then she pointed to the left, the North Sea, also very beautiful but the current travels east. And then she pointed to the middle and said: That is the perfect relationship. You can look to the left and you can look to the right and both seas are there, and they can meet in the middle but they never lose themselves in each other. They are always themselves no matter what” – Copenhagen

We lost ourselves. And in the process, we ended up hurting each other far more than we ever imagined; more than we ever wanted to. And when there was just too much hurt that at one point it already overshadowed all of the good and happy memories you’ve built together after all those years, you just have to breathe, accept the fact that there was nothing to fix anymore, that it was just not working anymore, gain strength and courage and then... let go. So I did. It wasn’t the easiest decision to make, but I thought that moment was when I felt I was at my bravest. I finally acknowledged that there was really something wrong, and we can’t just keep on coming back to square one. It became a never ending cycle and it made me feel sick. It was no longer doing me or him any good. It was no longer healthy.

The letting go and moving on part was a horrendous process, clinging on your dear life, wishing you won’t fall off the wagon with all those hopelessness and depression and end of life ideations. It felt like drowning in front of a lot of people yet no one can save you… But yourself. It wasn’t the best feeling in the world but it did get better, it does get better each day, one step at a time. It also gets better knowing which of the people around you truly cares.

I’ve kept mum for the longest time but now I could finally say with a happy heart that I’m on my way to full recovery (getting to the finish line actually😉)and that I wish you nothing but happiness and success cause you’re a good person and I know you deserve it. All the best! And as for me and my soul searching, I’m still discovering and seeing a new side of me which makes me more excited with life. I am more inspired now. I am more free. I am more me. I am … :)


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