Aca-ganapan

#ThirtytaDiaries: Unang Hakbang

I know most people I know did 30 things before turning such age. I did plan on doing that too kaso, tinamad at nagprocastinate. But I think it still is a good idea to do a list now that I’m actually 30 so at least I have something to keep me busy (as if I’m not) and say nung trenta ako, eto yung mga ginawa ko.

D A N C E

Dancing has always been a big part of my life. I even wanted a career out of it. I’m not saying ang galing galing ko ha cause I know I’m not it’s just that it gives me so much joy and a different type of high. All I ever dreamt of was to become one of Michael Jackson’s back up. So nung nategi siya, I told myself ay, si aunti Janet nalang pala muna or Destiny’s child kasi sila yung uso. I did join clubs and contests in college but there were just too many things happening around me I had to take a step back and focus on my studies and later on, my career.

Yung step back ko, never nang nagstep forward ulit. I got too caught up with everything kinalimutan ko yung isa sa mga bagay na nagpapasaya sakin. Since my project 30 is about indelible memories and reconnecting with my passions (gusto mo yong may pa theme ako? Hahaha), it was just right to start it with dancing. Ayan na, finally taking my first step forward. Hasthag Ang unang hakbang.

Parang ang daling sabihin nung unang hakbang but I’ve actually lost all confidence to do it. I’ve searched for numerous programmes available- yung beginner friendly (dahil my skills are basically back to 0) and di sing mahal because you know, a true Tita is well versed with the term value for money. Luckily, I found one that offers a free trial session. Paaaak! Thiz iz it!

Napaaakaaahabaaa nung chika ko but to cut it a bit short (wow ha) I finally took classes after so many years of uncertainty and procastinatiob. Unfortunately, no videos or pictures were taken kasi nabusy ang lola nyo. I’m rubbish now compared to when I was so active but I was just so happy doing it ayoko na ngang umuwi.

I guess what I learned from this experience is that despite getting caught up with all your responsibilities like bills or work and everything adulting, wag din kakalimutan yung responsibility to yourself to make time to do the things that make you happy. Napaka iksi ng life! We will never really know when our time is due thus grab every opportunity or take chances as soon as possible.

Hanggang sa muli! Taaaaa!

Aca-sabihan

Progress report

You come to a certain point in your life where you ask yourself: am I having any progress? You begin to doubt yourself, start regretting things you’ve done or should’ve done. You become too hard on yourself. Beat yourself up for wasting your life away. For wasting time. You ponder on opportunities you let past. Relationships ruined. All mistakes, all frustrations, all the uncertainties.

What am I doing with my life?

But then again, progress is still progress. Don’t compare yourself with other people’s success and question your position. No matter how tiny or how far you leapt, you still got somewhere – and that matters. You have different priorities. Different circumstance. You’ve made difficult decisions. You are different and unique. More importantly, in between everything, no matter how hard or chaotic or complicated your life is, was, you had your small victories. Learn to cherish, appreciate and celebrate them.

Life is too short to dwell on regret, mistakes, the past, anger and comparison. What matters is you are here now. You may not be the best version of yourself yet but, you’re also not the same person you were yesterday. Each day is a learning process. Each day you are given the opportunity to progress, to improve and to inspire.

Aca-sabihan

Love, Heartaches and Recovery

“The battle has finally ended. There were neither winners nor losers, what’s left was happy memoirs, dried up tears and bruises and new beginnings .” -A.

I have tried so many times to put all my heartaches into writing but I guess I never had the courage to do so. And, more than a year later, here I am, still wounded by the past but healing, guided by my hard earned lessons and still chasing my new beginnings.

Eleven years, seven months.

Ten years LDR.

Skype sessions, viber conversations;

Every two years meet up, or if lucky, every year.

It was a long and winding battle we both had to fight and now, I can look back with a smile knowing we did a good fight for “us” to last. Nobody wanted us to be together, but we sure as hell showed them how determined we were. Family, friends, distance couldn’t get in our way. It should have been a really interesting and powerful love story ey? High school sweethearts, you and me against the world love affair; But, our story just had to end, cause despite withstanding all of the obstacles, all of those forces trying to break us down, we forgot to deal with our one true nemesis- OURSELVES.

“She brought me to the beach and she pointed to the right where the Baltic Sea is. it’s a very beautiful and blue sea, and the current travels west. Then she pointed to the left, the North Sea, also very beautiful but the current travels east. And then she pointed to the middle and said: That is the perfect relationship. You can look to the left and you can look to the right and both seas are there, and they can meet in the middle but they never lose themselves in each other. They are always themselves no matter what” – Copenhagen

We lost ourselves. And in the process, we ended up hurting each other far more than we ever imagined; more than we ever wanted to. And when there was just too much hurt that at one point it already overshadowed all of the good and happy memories you’ve built together after all those years, you just have to breathe, accept the fact that there was nothing to fix anymore, that it was just not working anymore, gain strength and courage and then... let go. So I did. It wasn’t the easiest decision to make, but I thought that moment was when I felt I was at my bravest. I finally acknowledged that there was really something wrong, and we can’t just keep on coming back to square one. It became a never ending cycle and it made me feel sick. It was no longer doing me or him any good. It was no longer healthy.

The letting go and moving on part was a horrendous process, clinging on your dear life, wishing you won’t fall off the wagon with all those hopelessness and depression and end of life ideations. It felt like drowning in front of a lot of people yet no one can save you… But yourself. It wasn’t the best feeling in the world but it did get better, it does get better each day, one step at a time. It also gets better knowing which of the people around you truly cares.

I’ve kept mum for the longest time but now I could finally say with a happy heart that I’m on my way to full recovery (getting to the finish line actually😉)and that I wish you nothing but happiness and success cause you’re a good person and I know you deserve it. All the best! And as for me and my soul searching, I’m still discovering and seeing a new side of me which makes me more excited with life. I am more inspired now. I am more free. I am more me. I am … :)